Millarca is an intense intersexed sadist who considers herself a “Magician” in the Tarotic sense. She keeps her mysticism private for the most part as she has a public face both as an intersexed advocate as well as a scene player within the BDSM community. Her sadism is a deeply spiritual process and much misunderstood within the political, fetish as well as her career venues. She is very much my totem and I am greatly blessed for being brought in as far as I’ve come within her world. I am greatly appreciative as we have such different agendas, but she has cooperated as best she can since we are both Nephilim who self define as First Born and share the need to solidify our distinctive Monads.


GEMATRIAThe design of the kaf can perhaps be described as a pipe bent in two places. The concept of bending oneself represents sub­mission to a greater force and entity—the King of all kings, A-lmighty G‑d. 

The gematria of kaf is twenty. Twenty can be divided into ten and ten. The first ten represents the Ten Utterances with which G‑d created the world. The second ten represents the Ten Com­mandments.6 Together, they become a kaf. In Numbers7 it states: “Ten-ten is the kaf.”8

If you take the word עשרים (esrim, the word “twenty” in Hebrew) and add up its letters, you arrive at 620: ayin=70, shin=300, reish=200, yud=10, mem=40. 620 is also the gematria of the word כתר, kesser: kaf=20, tav=400, reish=200. Kesser means crown, the ornament placed on the head of a king. Kesser also reminds us of the 620 letters in the Ten Command­ments. G‑d crowned the Jewish nation by giving them the Torah. And it became the Jews’ raison d’êtreto follow the 613 commandments and the 7 Rabbinic laws9—which together total 620. Significantly, the first letter of kesser is kaf.10

In Kabbalah, the Sefirah (or faculty) of Kesser represents a level that is beyond intellect. The crown is placed atop the head. Of course, our head is the vessel that carries the brain, the seat of intellect and thought. But the crown rests above the head, beyond thought. What can be greater than intellect? Desire. In Hebrew, this is called ratzon. Desire is a mighty force, inviting us to explore possibilities that rationality would show to be wrong or difficult.

Say, for example, you’d like to become successful in a certain occupation. Even though you may have failed every class in school, you can persevere and succeed if you have the will and desire. Why? Because you want to. The power, the crown, of desire is so potent that it has the ability to transcend and actu­ally transform your intellect.

In turn, there’s another concept that even transcends desire, and that is pleasure (tainug). If a person derives pleasure from something he will automatically gravitate toward it. As a result he will mobilize his intellect and devise a strategy to attain it. That’s why kesser is represented by the letter kaf—twenty—to teach us that there are two levels, or faculties, within the crown: desire and pleasure, with each faculty containing ten aspects. These aspects are also known as the ten holy Sefiros (spheres),11 the ten building blocks of Creation. Three of the ten levels reside in the dimension of the intellect—Wisdom, Understanding, and Knowledge—and seven occupy the dimension of the emotions—Love, Fear, Mercy, Victory, Praise (Acknowledgment), Foundation (Bonding), and Sovereignty (Speech). The two faculties of the crown of kaf—pleasure and desire—twice encompass the three levels of intellect and seven levels of emotion for a total of twenty levels.

It states in the Talmud that the crown of Torah is halachah that the crown of Torah is halachah—law. Why is it specifically law (i.e., those things that we should and shouldn’t do) that is considered the crown of Torah? For the answer we can look to the reason G‑d gave us the Torah. It therefore states in the Talmud: “Great is the study of Torah, for it brings to action.” Like the crown, Torah’s ultimate purpose is to go beyond the head, beyond the intellect, and propel us to act in accordance with G‑d’s will, thus refining us as people and completing G‑d’s purpose in Creation.

MEANING: The previous paragraph shows there’s a strong sympatico between “kaf” and the sefirah, “Keter.” So though Passion and Desire fits Yesod’s agenda, we should see what happens when we start with Keter as the Esoteric Path’s beginning – another 1 in 11. Interesting experiment.

One of the meanings of the letter kaf is “spoon.” The root of the word “spoon” is kafaf—to bend. As we discussed earlier, the kaf is a letter that is bent. It represents the aspect of submitting oneself to a greater power.

This notion of submission—and humility—can be seen clearly in the difference between the words anochi and ani. Both mean “I.” When a person walks around all day and says, “I, I, I,” he has a problem with egotism. How does one over­come this self-inflation? By adding a kaf to the אני (ani), the I, and transforming it into the אנכי (anochi). When the “I” submits to G‑d, when it recognizes and bends to the higher power through the kaf, it is no longer the egotistical I. Rather, אנכי (anochi) is the “I” that serves as a channel to do G‑d’s will.14

There are actually two kafs. There’s the bent kaf (כ), and the straight, or final, kaf (ך). What’s the difference?

We explained previously that Kesser, the king’s crown, is comprised of two levels: pleasure and desire. It has also been described as representing the internal and external aspects of the king. In this case, internal refers to the king’s relation to himself, while external is his relationship to the world, his kingdom. Regarding the king’s internal aspect—he doesn’t necessarily want to be king, to be under the thumb of the ceaseless demands of his position. He wants to live within the boundaries of his own will, the internal world of study, erudi­tion, spirituality, and family. This is the meaning of the passage. “From his shoulders up he was taller than the rest of his people,” that is, secluded from the people.

The king’s crown, however, also demands the straight kaf, which unfurls to reach down to his subjects; the external level of the king’s existence. He’s required to interact, to be responsi­ble and benevolent to his kingdom.

The bent kaf therefore represents the introverted or inverted king—who remains isolated within his internalized world. The straight kaf (similar to the vav) represents the king who descends from his high level and reaches down to others in order to communicate with and rule his people.

Interestingly enough, we observe that when you affix the straight kaf as the suffix to a word, it adds the word “you” to the root. As it says:16 “I will exalt You (ארוממך) my G‑d the King.” When you speak directly to a person, you say “you”: lecha, לך, or becha, בך—spelled with a straight kaf: The final kaf thus literally unfolds to include the person to whom you are speaking. It represents the fact that the king has appeared to us and we are able to speak to him face to face.

The letter kaf. To bend oneself. To submit to the crown—the King, G‑d, the ruler of the universe.

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